letters to stash
recap: i hold you up to get some visine to which you respond by snapping at me to which i respond ok y r u freaking out to which you respond with short sharp gestures of disregard and annoyance. i push the table away and walk upstairs. i come back down after 5 minutes and tell you im leaving to which you respond ur not going to stay for the end to which i respond how much longer is the end, "about a hlf hour" was the response. to which i replied no so you say as i'm walking upstairs "wait i'll walk you out" and i've already assembled myself to leave and i'm out the door when you come after me and ask me where i'm parked and i answer "veterans" "should i walk you?" "watever you want" "why aren't you waiting till the end?" "because you gave me an attitude" you respond by making an annoyed gesture and assemble yourself to walk me to the car. in the car you say "i can't beleive you wait a half hour" "well i was gonna go but i was gonna stay for you but since you made me uncomfortable and embarressed me infront of your freind i don't want to stay." "noone even noticed " "what about mal?" "no no im not gonna lose my temper over this, i'm not gonna miss teh end" and you opened the door jumped out and slammed the car door behind you. i screeched teh tires from under me and sped off.
i would have expected a little bit more from you, but i'm such a fool and i'm stupid for thinking that. to expect a call or even a text message after the movie was over was beyond you. i was tsupid for thinking that you actually would have liked for me to stay by you and have wednesday night and thursday to us. but you shattered my heart when you called an all day marathon for your freinds (but would have still wanted me to stay for thursday but just till 12:00) then it would have been me you and your freinds. you shattered my heart when you called a night to bake "special" cookies with your freinds. i should have never listened to you and actually believed wat u sold. they were just empty promises. how you have managed to push me and push me and i keep it down and locked away but my jar is to the point of combustion and i don't know how long it can last.
i imagine you actually reading this and i can just see your face, how it's filled with disgust and astonishment, just like how it is when i tell you how i feel about a certain situation and you just brush it off, you brush me off and you brush my feelings off. you would probably think to yourself how my view of you is so clouded and wrong and how these rambling are just lunatic ramblings. thats just wat i am to u, its ur word, its ur word to describe me. "crazy". along with "retarted". all fairness to u ur not always liek this i know. u don't always treat me badly but sometimes ic an't help but be surrounded by this negativity. if i keep it concealed, y r u not telling me what ur thnking, if i tell u then "wats wrong with u"and you brush it off and cut me off and i never can fully explain myslef. words get twisted, my mind is clouded and my heart has been stabbed by a thousand needles.
the way you left last night, i was in absolute shock. i know i pissed u off but i think i deserve a little bit more than a disrespectful slamming of a car door on my face. i've never been more angrier at u in my life.
how could u? if i ever did that to u? i don't even know wat kind of reaction to expect.
honestly, what did u expect me to do? sit there in b/w u and ur freond who was passed out and sit and sulk in my own pool of angera s you watched your beloved movie on the tv while i just get heated and heated and the outcome would have been worse, but no matter what i would have done i would have come out wrong. no matter wat, if i stayed i would have been a bitch if i left i would have been a bitch.when do i ever win? but its not a matter of winning or losing, right? when can i come out ok? when i dont care about anythign and when i'm numb and you can say anythign you want? do whatever you want? i'll be there when you want. when u call and never say naye or otherwise. is that what you wnat? somoene that never has an opinion of their own. someone who never opposes you? and if they do, you will make sure they see it your way?
i can never feel for myself unless its affection for you. i can never think unless its positive about u. is that how it is and how u like it or is it just me being "crazy"? i guess its good that u cant read this because i would ahve never wanted to hear ur reaction to this. because it would be so humiliating and slef destructive if you ever looked down at mewith such disgust ans disdain like so many times before.only it would be worse because this is the ultimate letter to u these are things i can never tell u dfor such sed reasons.
i would have expected a little bit more from you, but i'm such a fool and i'm stupid for thinking that. to expect a call or even a text message after the movie was over was beyond you. i was tsupid for thinking that you actually would have liked for me to stay by you and have wednesday night and thursday to us. but you shattered my heart when you called an all day marathon for your freinds (but would have still wanted me to stay for thursday but just till 12:00) then it would have been me you and your freinds. you shattered my heart when you called a night to bake "special" cookies with your freinds. i should have never listened to you and actually believed wat u sold. they were just empty promises. how you have managed to push me and push me and i keep it down and locked away but my jar is to the point of combustion and i don't know how long it can last.
i imagine you actually reading this and i can just see your face, how it's filled with disgust and astonishment, just like how it is when i tell you how i feel about a certain situation and you just brush it off, you brush me off and you brush my feelings off. you would probably think to yourself how my view of you is so clouded and wrong and how these rambling are just lunatic ramblings. thats just wat i am to u, its ur word, its ur word to describe me. "crazy". along with "retarted". all fairness to u ur not always liek this i know. u don't always treat me badly but sometimes ic an't help but be surrounded by this negativity. if i keep it concealed, y r u not telling me what ur thnking, if i tell u then "wats wrong with u"and you brush it off and cut me off and i never can fully explain myslef. words get twisted, my mind is clouded and my heart has been stabbed by a thousand needles.
the way you left last night, i was in absolute shock. i know i pissed u off but i think i deserve a little bit more than a disrespectful slamming of a car door on my face. i've never been more angrier at u in my life.
how could u? if i ever did that to u? i don't even know wat kind of reaction to expect.
honestly, what did u expect me to do? sit there in b/w u and ur freond who was passed out and sit and sulk in my own pool of angera s you watched your beloved movie on the tv while i just get heated and heated and the outcome would have been worse, but no matter what i would have done i would have come out wrong. no matter wat, if i stayed i would have been a bitch if i left i would have been a bitch.when do i ever win? but its not a matter of winning or losing, right? when can i come out ok? when i dont care about anythign and when i'm numb and you can say anythign you want? do whatever you want? i'll be there when you want. when u call and never say naye or otherwise. is that what you wnat? somoene that never has an opinion of their own. someone who never opposes you? and if they do, you will make sure they see it your way?
i can never feel for myself unless its affection for you. i can never think unless its positive about u. is that how it is and how u like it or is it just me being "crazy"? i guess its good that u cant read this because i would ahve never wanted to hear ur reaction to this. because it would be so humiliating and slef destructive if you ever looked down at mewith such disgust ans disdain like so many times before.only it would be worse because this is the ultimate letter to u these are things i can never tell u dfor such sed reasons.
posted by Tali at 10:52 AM
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