Disaster +1 Part II
Bare with me while i rant and take out my frustrations with my vulgarity and nonsensical words. Motherfuckin' cocksuckin fuckin piece of motherfuckin shit....
it was just a bad night, some parts were good over-all just bad.i try to b as open minded as possible but anger gets the best of me. Is it overzealousness or justice? is it right or is it wrong? Looking back at tonight, things could have gone better or they could have been worse, i just wish that at that moment in time things ddnt happen the way they did.And seizing the moment would have lead somewhere else which might in turn not have led me to be here, feeling the way im feeling right now. Im feeling hurt, upset,used and abused, angry, restless, uneasy, annoyed, fully conscience the list goes on... It doesn't matter what happened because it was petty. the only thing that does matter is that im feeling like things should have happened differently and they ddnt. Maybe im annoyed and frustrated because i want something and im stuck, in every aspect in life. Im just stuck in life. Not hot not cold not left not right not up not down not this or that u get the point. If that frustrates u then u could imagine how i feel. Im in a rut that i cant get out of. I want to make a step i do i really really do but i cant, it like im frozen my head and heart say 1 thing and my actions well the lack there of dnt do anything. I get sidetracked by momentary things that disguise themselves for that moment but they are based on lies so it ultimately leads me to blowouts of unhappiness. I tell myself it could be so much worse. Your life is not that bad but that doesnt settle it for me. It could def. be better, i tell myself. what i want is easy going stressless, nothing but good times, whatever it is just "easy lucky free". Its rediculous how my insecurities get the best of me and can just put a damper on my streak of unrealistic bliss. Someone said to me tonite in midst of conversation " Well ur just not that type of person that ppl just want to run and say 'Hiii', ur the person that ppl say hey wtas up and walk away to" if he only knew how true and how hurt i was. It something that ive noticed since high school. Its something that ive come to terms with but hearing it from him just made it real, not just somehting implanted in my insecure head. It sounds stupid, but its true, and im not the type to just be ok with it. Its one thing to come to terms with, its another to accept and understand. Ive done none of those things. The reason y this hurts so much is because, i hate not being liked, or not getting genuine reactions from people. Thats ultimately wat i want, just genuine reactions from genuine people. Is that so much to ask. This actually happened, i am not making this up: "Hey 'Soshe' wats up, wats going on..." " OMFG HEEYY (freind of Soshe)watttsss uuuppp i miss u when we hanging out bla bla bla" this happened 2 sec apart from each other. How blatant is that?? Its so transparent.
I'm just so raedy to move on with my life, move on with everything, Im ready for some change, i just need a boost.
it was just a bad night, some parts were good over-all just bad.i try to b as open minded as possible but anger gets the best of me. Is it overzealousness or justice? is it right or is it wrong? Looking back at tonight, things could have gone better or they could have been worse, i just wish that at that moment in time things ddnt happen the way they did.And seizing the moment would have lead somewhere else which might in turn not have led me to be here, feeling the way im feeling right now. Im feeling hurt, upset,used and abused, angry, restless, uneasy, annoyed, fully conscience the list goes on... It doesn't matter what happened because it was petty. the only thing that does matter is that im feeling like things should have happened differently and they ddnt. Maybe im annoyed and frustrated because i want something and im stuck, in every aspect in life. Im just stuck in life. Not hot not cold not left not right not up not down not this or that u get the point. If that frustrates u then u could imagine how i feel. Im in a rut that i cant get out of. I want to make a step i do i really really do but i cant, it like im frozen my head and heart say 1 thing and my actions well the lack there of dnt do anything. I get sidetracked by momentary things that disguise themselves for that moment but they are based on lies so it ultimately leads me to blowouts of unhappiness. I tell myself it could be so much worse. Your life is not that bad but that doesnt settle it for me. It could def. be better, i tell myself. what i want is easy going stressless, nothing but good times, whatever it is just "easy lucky free". Its rediculous how my insecurities get the best of me and can just put a damper on my streak of unrealistic bliss. Someone said to me tonite in midst of conversation " Well ur just not that type of person that ppl just want to run and say 'Hiii', ur the person that ppl say hey wtas up and walk away to" if he only knew how true and how hurt i was. It something that ive noticed since high school. Its something that ive come to terms with but hearing it from him just made it real, not just somehting implanted in my insecure head. It sounds stupid, but its true, and im not the type to just be ok with it. Its one thing to come to terms with, its another to accept and understand. Ive done none of those things. The reason y this hurts so much is because, i hate not being liked, or not getting genuine reactions from people. Thats ultimately wat i want, just genuine reactions from genuine people. Is that so much to ask. This actually happened, i am not making this up: "Hey 'Soshe' wats up, wats going on..." " OMFG HEEYY (freind of Soshe)watttsss uuuppp i miss u when we hanging out bla bla bla" this happened 2 sec apart from each other. How blatant is that?? Its so transparent.
I'm just so raedy to move on with my life, move on with everything, Im ready for some change, i just need a boost.
posted by Tali at 3:51 AM
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