if u could u knw u would.....

i know it, u cant deny that chemistry.it might seem like a freindship. but its one freindship i don't get. if the room faded and the people around u were gone would u have noticed? i probably faded along with everyone else. it seemed like i was a spectator to a date. like i was watching somone on one of those dating games from my own couch at home. it was like our first date. it was like my many first dates ive been on. you know u would deny it till u were red in the face but if u had the opportunity, and if she was into u and would have given u a chance before there ever was a me and u, u know u would go for it. u wouldnt care it's ur freind's sister u would have gone for it. it's not something that u can deny. u could see it from a mile away. and it's not just because im jealous of ur relationship. it cant be just about that because i know wat i see and i know how u are and how u get, and it sucks because that used to be me. do u ever get excited like that for me anymore? do i still give u butterflies in ur stomach? because u do to me.
and i stll get excited to see u.
theres just no denying it. i know wat i saw. that is not ur freindship with ur freinds sister.....thats a longtime crush uve never gotten over. and i hate u for denying it.

letters to stash

recap: i hold you up to get some visine to which you respond by snapping at me to which i respond ok y r u freaking out to which you respond with short sharp gestures of disregard and annoyance. i push the table away and walk upstairs. i come back down after 5 minutes and tell you im leaving to which you respond ur not going to stay for the end to which i respond how much longer is the end, "about a hlf hour" was the response. to which i replied no so you say as i'm walking upstairs "wait i'll walk you out" and i've already assembled myself to leave and i'm out the door when you come after me and ask me where i'm parked and i answer "veterans" "should i walk you?" "watever you want" "why aren't you waiting till the end?" "because you gave me an attitude" you respond by making an annoyed gesture and assemble yourself to walk me to the car. in the car you say "i can't beleive you wait a half hour" "well i was gonna go but i was gonna stay for you but since you made me uncomfortable and embarressed me infront of your freind i don't want to stay." "noone even noticed " "what about mal?" "no no im not gonna lose my temper over this, i'm not gonna miss teh end" and you opened the door jumped out and slammed the car door behind you. i screeched teh tires from under me and sped off.

i would have expected a little bit more from you, but i'm such a fool and i'm stupid for thinking that. to expect a call or even a text message after the movie was over was beyond you. i was tsupid for thinking that you actually would have liked for me to stay by you and have wednesday night and thursday to us. but you shattered my heart when you called an all day marathon for your freinds (but would have still wanted me to stay for thursday but just till 12:00) then it would have been me you and your freinds. you shattered my heart when you called a night to bake "special" cookies with your freinds. i should have never listened to you and actually believed wat u sold. they were just empty promises. how you have managed to push me and push me and i keep it down and locked away but my jar is to the point of combustion and i don't know how long it can last.
i imagine you actually reading this and i can just see your face, how it's filled with disgust and astonishment, just like how it is when i tell you how i feel about a certain situation and you just brush it off, you brush me off and you brush my feelings off. you would probably think to yourself how my view of you is so clouded and wrong and how these rambling are just lunatic ramblings. thats just wat i am to u, its ur word, its ur word to describe me. "crazy". along with "retarted". all fairness to u ur not always liek this i know. u don't always treat me badly but sometimes ic an't help but be surrounded by this negativity. if i keep it concealed, y r u not telling me what ur thnking, if i tell u then "wats wrong with u"and you brush it off and cut me off and i never can fully explain myslef. words get twisted, my mind is clouded and my heart has been stabbed by a thousand needles.
the way you left last night, i was in absolute shock. i know i pissed u off but i think i deserve a little bit more than a disrespectful slamming of a car door on my face. i've never been more angrier at u in my life.
how could u? if i ever did that to u? i don't even know wat kind of reaction to expect.

honestly, what did u expect me to do? sit there in b/w u and ur freond who was passed out and sit and sulk in my own pool of angera s you watched your beloved movie on the tv while i just get heated and heated and the outcome would have been worse, but no matter what i would have done i would have come out wrong. no matter wat, if i stayed i would have been a bitch if i left i would have been a bitch.when do i ever win? but its not a matter of winning or losing, right? when can i come out ok? when i dont care about anythign and when i'm numb and you can say anythign you want? do whatever you want? i'll be there when you want. when u call and never say naye or otherwise. is that what you wnat? somoene that never has an opinion of their own. someone who never opposes you? and if they do, you will make sure they see it your way?
i can never feel for myself unless its affection for you. i can never think unless its positive about u. is that how it is and how u like it or is it just me being "crazy"? i guess its good that u cant read this because i would ahve never wanted to hear ur reaction to this. because it would be so humiliating and slef destructive if you ever looked down at mewith such disgust ans disdain like so many times before.only it would be worse because this is the ultimate letter to u these are things i can never tell u dfor such sed reasons.

David Bowie- "Ziggy stardust"
The Beatles-" Come Together"
Imonster-"Daydream in Bue"
AC/DC- "Back In Black"
Jet- "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"
The Kinks-"You Really Got Me"
The Rolling Stones-"Shattered"
The Clash- " Should I Stay Or Should I go"
Blondie- "One Way Or Another"
Men, Women and Children- " Dance is in my Blood"
Imonster- "Hey Mrs. (Glamour Puss Mix)
Bloc Party- " Banquet"
The Arcade Fire-"Neighborhood #3"
We Are Scientists- "Its aHit"
The White Stripes- "Blue Orchid"
Spoon- "They Never Got You"
The Sounds- "Song With A Mission"
She Wants Revenge- "these things"
Kings Of Leon- "The Bucket"
NIN- "Closer"
David Bowie-"Suffragette City"
Gangoffour- "Natural's Not Rakes"
Kasabian- "Shoot the Runner"
The Strokes- "Reptilia"
Jimmy Hendrix- "Fire"
Tom Petty- "American Girl"
Nena- "99 Red Balloons"
The Ramones- "I want to be Sedated"
Imonster- "Somethings Coming"
Depeche Mode- "John The Revelator"
Jet- "Cold Hard Bitch"
DFA1979- "Little Girl"
22-20's- "Im the One"
The Go! Team- "Huddle Formation"
T.V. on the Radio- Wolf Like Me"
Simian Mobile Disco- "Hustler"
Uffie- "Hotchick In Charge"
Datarock-"FaFaFa"
The Killers- "All these things that i've done"
The Rapture- "Got to get myself into it"
Scissor sister- "i don't feel like dancing"
Ladytron- Destroy Everything"
Fischerspooner- "emerge"

This is just not doing it for me!!!!

I need indie freinds that dont do coke, crack or heroin.....that is all!!!!

Ode to a guy!!!!

I know your probably thinking already this is so gay and that you feel gay just by reading this e-mail because its kind of cheesy but dammit, im gonna win you over with my charm.
Anyways i know you werent up for talking about this before but i was thinking about wat i sed when i told you that to replenish you need to remember what we liked about each other in the first place and then i started thinking about those first couple of months that we were together.And i started thinking about the stupid little things that meant so much. I remember the night i met you so clearly (mind you my memory gets hazy as time goes by but not this) i remember standing outside of the club hanging out talking to Paullette and a bunch of you came to talk to us and we were just standing there chatting with me and my tank top and just gloves on, and i remember how you thought that was the stupidest thing ever but u liked it. i dont know about you but i had this little feeling of excitement like when you hit it off really well with someone and you just want to stay in that moment and freeze it. I remember you guys were soo drunka dn were looking for an afterparty to go to (Bar12) and u told me and paullette to come and i was honestly considering it because i wanted to hook up with you so bad but when i turned around you were gone and i thought i wouldnt hear from you just like so many guys have done before. and a week later u invite me out to what is now considered our first date. I remember thinking we have things in common our convos r not shallow and materialistic, tehyr random, funny and political and theres some sexual tension and how awesome it was that someone is telling me to come out to williamsburg, somewhere where ive been wanting to go out in for a long time. You thought it was so cool of me to come without knowing anyone to come and hangout. I was getting antsy in anticipation waiting for you to kiss me all night because i wanted you to so bad and when we were on the dance floor we were talking so closely and i really ddnt think it would happen right then and there because i ddnt really want to kiss you on the dancefloor because i was so shy but then we found that little dark corner by the bar and we continued to make out.That was awesome. Or Like the time where it was raining and it might have been our second date or something and it was still awkward for you tocome upstairs to talk to my parents so you waited by my door with an umbrella so i wouldnt get wet. Or when i was shocked that no matter what you never missed an oppurtunity to open the car door for me, and you promised me that you would never stop doing it for me as long as u can ...and from there on i promised myself i would never forget to thank you for doing that because its been 11 months and till this day i am gratefull for it. There was also the time when we barely knew each other for 2 weeks and you called me from israel and i underestimated you because i thought it was a good couple of weeks and i probably wouldnt hear from you again when u get back from israel and sure enough you called me not once but twice. I remember the night you asked me out, it was the first night u came back from israel and we went to go see munich and it was raelly late and u wanted to go get some tea but tea lounge was closed and the only thing open was Ammonia so we go there and i would have never expected for wat u were about to do because even though we were dating for a month i thought u were young and you ddnt want to be committed so i was just waiting for the falling out to hit any day when you started saying how much you missed me in israel and that you wanted to be official with me. i was speechless and extatic. I remember the first night i got upset at you, we were at barcade and i was nervous that u got with a girl in utah but ddnt want to tell me so eli was joking around playing along and i had that whole psychelogical theory that bec he sed that, its like he was trying to get me to think that you ddnt but u really did and i told you that and u just laughed and laughed at me and reassured me that you liked me too much to do that. Also the time where i had a 107 fever and felt like utter crap and you had invited me to go to a bar with u and elie ,you had no idea how sick i was, but i wasnt gonna stay home, i wanted to hang out with you so i had to trick my mom into believing that i was feeling better so i could go and i did and i had a great time, and i think i might have gotten you sick too, or when u thought u gave me bronchitis. I remember when i was sitting at home completely out of it and totally exhausted from school and i was all disheveled when i get a knock at my door and i go to open it thinking that its the moozardinya from downstairs annoying me about some shit or other and to my shock and horror your standing there with a coldplay ticket telling me to hurry my ass up because we were gonna miss the show, you didnt stop trying to get in touch with me to get me to come,ive never been happier in my entire life.
There were the times when we first started going out to clubs together. At 58 i remember getting all annoyed at you bec u were so hammered and you would be all frisky with me, even though i told you to stop, now i regret it bec i kind of miss that, you couldnt keep your hands off me and now that i think about it was very cute( and im sorry i ever told you to stop) I remember the night that you told me you loved me, we were lying on your couch and i was lying on top of you and we were just talking about stuff and wat you liked about me and wat i liekd about u when you said "i think im falling in love with you...." and once again you caught me off gaurd and made methe happiest ive ever been. And i knew i felt the same. It was that night we had sex for the first time....and you were so relieved but yet u still wanted to make sure it was all my decision and that i wasnt being pressured, even though u wanted to have sex from day 1. i remember we had that scare and throughout that whole time you were by my side no matter wat, u never left me.
What i needed was a little nostalgia and i guess i had to share it with someone, so naturally it had to be with u. Sometimes in order to keep going, you have to look at the past. I guess thats wat i needed , a reminding of why i love you so much and y after all this time im still with you. You make me laugh, you make me feel sexy, you make me blush,your my best freind and the only person who really knows me, i can talk to you about anything, ur always there for me, your the funnest person i knw (except when ur lazy and u dnt want to do anything) your my drinking buddy and my movie partner, your the only person i really truly ever want to be with and Im sorry i ever doubted you or us and im sorry 4 every time i ever got mad at u for no apparent reason.

when i started this blog its main purpose for me was to vent. to find someone out there that believes in the same things i believe in and was filled with rants rather than raves...but i progressed into entries that were somewhat more fun-filled and happy go-lucky....except for that one time. and in that process i promised myself that i wouldnt bore readers with my agonizing phsyche. then time went by and realized that it shouldnt really matter because nobody reads this anyways. i mean i am a miniscule blogger in this vast blogoshpere. i read others' blogs and think howd they get to be that big.what r they doing right and wat am i doing wrong? i mean i could tell my freinds about this blog but then that would defeat the purpose of having a blog. how could i rant about them when i know they would eventually read it. ive lost direction, motivation, desperation for this blog. so if im not ranting about the treacheries of this life, it doesnt matter because nobody is reading this anyway so i might as well save myself some sanity and fuck 'em and rant, rant, rant and rant some fucking more. it makes me feel temporarily sane for putting my words out there for by chance someone with just as much time as i doso happenstansly pass by and read my thoughts and peer into my heart. i feel better.......ok.....there it.....ohp lost it. now i can go back to sulking.
c u later motherfuckers!!!!

so on wednesday evening my freind morris and his freind and myself went to the We Are Scientists and Arctic Monkeys show at Roseland. We didn't have one ticket but we went to see if we could scalp because even like 3 weeks before the show the show was already sold out so we really didn't have a choice. So we get there and were looking around for tickets and these fuckin guys seriously want to sell these tickets for twice the amnt theyr worth they seriously wanted to sell these tickets for $75.00 when at face value theyr $25.00. we were sooo pissed then there was this lady just looking to just giveaway her mezanine ticket we were stunned we were sooo stoked b/c noone just gives away a ticket and especially a vip ticket and then we were down to 2 tickets and we were scrounging but ended up finding tickets like 20 minutes before the show.

We Are Scientists.........

We Are Idiots........

that guy was seriously like in his late 30's going on 40's, mr. squaresville kept putting his hand on his hips and gave u no room to stand he was in morris's way so i proceeded to give him some of his own medicine and put my hands on my hips so i was in his way...........

im trying to load up more pics from the concert but blogger isnt letting me so there will be more pics coming up!!!!

after the show we went to get fries from the french fry place on 2nd ave bet 7th and st.marks and off to home we went.

on thursday i went to marcs to just watch tv bec he had a long ass day and i had a long week bec i think i pretty much went out every nite except for thursday nite so i stayed in.

Friday me and sarah went to willyburg to sell some stuff to buffalo exchange and did some vintage shopping and had lunch at this cute outdoor cafe called fabians on bedford and n5th.

Saturday night i went to taj on 21st bet 5th and 6th and got a little tipsy and got my dance on!!!!

happy fathers day!!!!

well well.....so we meet again old freind!!!

On saturday night i went to c Wolfmother at Webster Hall. It was probably one fo the best shows ive been to this past year. They are so awesome live and tehy have such stage presence. we were front and center the entire show it was fuckin badass!!! there were these 4 juiced up dudes on 'roids fersure trying to force a mosh in teh last 20 minutes of the show and it was so annoying because everyone was in good spirits and enjoying the show when these fuckheads ruined it by squashing everyone who ddnt partake in the pit and gettign pushed and shoved. This isnt some post hardcore band, how do u fuckin mosh to physcedelic music. have u seen anyone moshing to zeppelin?.....yea i ddnt think so. fuckin juicers!!!

These Aussies know how to rock.......

my <3........

My freind Eli and his crazy guns.......

we're camera whores........

on the train....... on the love train??(ipod commercial)

after teh concert we went to get some comida mejicano at chipotle and hopped on a train via brooklyn to a house party where booze and herb were flowing. My kind of party!!! i ddnt realize that party cups (u knw the red ones at every party) were 16 oz. so i had 3 cups of mixed drinks. thats equivalent to 5 mixed drinks in a club/bar. i was trashed so much so that for twenty minutes my butt met the bathroom floor.

The next day i was really really hungover but nothign a little comfort food and a walk around town couldnt cure. Gd i love this city!!!! That night i went for dinner with Sarah to Chai. A thai place in willieburg.